Running from God
It has been quite a while since I have blogged and there are
several reasons; none that are justifiable but I have several. In February I
moved from Atlanta back to Gainesville. God gave me the opportunity over two
years ago to transfer jobs to Atlanta. I thought that I was going up there to
make a big difference either in someone’s life or through some organization but
little did I know that God had a different and bigger plan for me. God opened
the door for me to move to Atlanta to completely remove myself out of my comfort
zone and have intense one on one time with Him. Let me tell you this was not an
easy or pleasant process but a necessary one; learning so many things about who
He is and about myself.
During my time in Atlanta I was separated from a life that I
had created over 12 years in Gainesville. I had established myself in my job,
my church, and my community of friends. Did you notice a recurring word in that
last sentence??? MY! My life revolved around what I wanted to do and where I
was comfortable. Even though God used me in many situations to grow and affect
others my world was pretty safe. Relocating turned my life upside down. First
of all when you move to a town where you don’t know anyone you have A LOT of
time to spend with yourself and with God. My work environment started off rocky
but then got better once we started our project. After a year the doctor who
recruited me decided to leave…hmmm how did I feel about this? Well you know the
basic range of emotions: anger, denial, confusion, betrayal just to name a few.
I felt abandoned and deceived but still clung to the hope that God had me there
for a purpose. The doctor who took over after that was a complete 180 from my
previous boss and things started to decline rapidly at work. It got to the
point where I had to convince myself to get out of bed and go to work. I felt
like my soul died a little each day that I had to go there. I continued to pray
and plead with God to show me what to do next. Do I leave and find another job
in Atlanta or do I look to another town? God please show me what to do? I can’t
make this decision without you. Experiencing one of the lowest points in my
life I realized there is only one place to look and that is up. To look up to
my heavenly Father for guidance, hoping and praying that I would hear an
answer. The answer came six months later when my head boss told me that there
was an opportunity to transfer back home to my old job. I was stunned into
silence, which doesn’t happen very often to me. It seemed too good to be true
and too easy. However a mentor of mine reminded me that this was an answer to
my prayer.
While joy filled my heart that I would be able to go home
and return to my community I knew that things had changed while I was gone and
that I was a changed person. Returning from Atlanta I thought that I would snap
right back into my old sassy self but with the state of depression my work
situation had left me in the transition took longer than I anticipated. I felt
as if I was working through some post traumatic disorder and figuring out how
to recover and be myself again. My default is to shut down and go on auto
pilot. Do what I need to but nothing above and beyond. It is funny to think of
running from God when I wasn’t moving in any direction. Running is generally
characterized my movement but when I run from God it is more in the form of
ignoring Him. I sensed His presence and that He wanted to spend time with me
but I had fear of what He will say to me or ask me to do. The fear comes from
the obedience that has to take place if He does ask me to do something. It is
so much easier to just tune Him or the world out by listening to music, taking
a nap, or my personal favorite watching TV.
I am a master of ignoring everything when I am in the DVR zone! I know
that TV is one of my greatest pleasures and one of my biggest
distractions. What a bratty child of God
to hear Him want to spend time with me and yet, constantly coming up with
excuses not to--Is there anyone greater to whom you should spend your time
with??? I think not!
So I have a question-
If running from God doesn't burn any calories then why do we
put forth all of the effort to do it? It all comes down to fear: fear that He
will ask me to do something out of my comfort zone, fear that He will ask me to
give up something that I have put importance on, or fear that He will ask me to
change who I am to become who He wants me to be. True talk: we all are afraid!
I am having to adjust my mind to be afraid of missing out on what God wants and
has planned for me instead of being afraid of my world changing. The second
greatest gift that God has given us (because the first is the gift of Christ
and our salvation) is the people that He blesses our lives with. I have some of
the most amazing and special people in my life who laugh or cry with me, push
me when I am being spiritually lazy, and comfort me when I don’t understand. To
have people in your life who love you for being you is an amazing gift. I am
incredibly lucky for the people that God has blessed me with in my life. I can look
at my future through hopeful eyes for all that He has in store for me. If I
should forget I can always look to the scriptures for words of hope and promise
from God, to my friends for encouragement, or even to my very own foot where I
have a hope tattoo! I am such a stubborn child of God that I require tattoo
reminders :)
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