Running from God
It has been quite a while since I have blogged and there are several reasons; none that are justifiable but I have several. In February I moved from Atlanta back to Gainesville. God gave me the opportunity over two years ago to transfer jobs to Atlanta. I thought that I was going up there to make a big difference either in someone’s life or through some organization but little did I know that God had a different and bigger plan for me. God opened the door for me to move to Atlanta to completely remove myself out of my comfort zone and have intense one on one time with Him. Let me tell you this was not an easy or pleasant process but a necessary one; learning so many things about who He is and about myself.
During my time in Atlanta I was separated from a life that I had created over 12 years in Gainesville. I had established myself in my job, my church, and my community of friends. Did you notice a recurring word in that last sentence??? MY! My life revolved around what I wanted to do and where I was comfortable. Even though God used me in many situations to grow and affect others my world was pretty safe. Relocating turned my life upside down. First of all when you move to a town where you don’t know anyone you have A LOT of time to spend with yourself and with God. My work environment started off rocky but then got better once we started our project. After a year the doctor who recruited me decided to leave…hmmm how did I feel about this? Well you know the basic range of emotions: anger, denial, confusion, betrayal just to name a few. I felt abandoned and deceived but still clung to the hope that God had me there for a purpose. The doctor who took over after that was a complete 180 from my previous boss and things started to decline rapidly at work. It got to the point where I had to convince myself to get out of bed and go to work. I felt like my soul died a little each day that I had to go there. I continued to pray and plead with God to show me what to do next. Do I leave and find another job in Atlanta or do I look to another town? God please show me what to do? I can’t make this decision without you. Experiencing one of the lowest points in my life I realized there is only one place to look and that is up. To look up to my heavenly Father for guidance, hoping and praying that I would hear an answer. The answer came six months later when my head boss told me that there was an opportunity to transfer back home to my old job. I was stunned into silence, which doesn’t happen very often to me. It seemed too good to be true and too easy. However a mentor of mine reminded me that this was an answer to my prayer.
While joy filled my heart that I would be able to go home and return to my community I knew that things had changed while I was gone and that I was a changed person. Returning from Atlanta I thought that I would snap right back into my old sassy self but with the state of depression my work situation had left me in the transition took longer than I anticipated. I felt as if I was working through some post traumatic disorder and figuring out how to recover and be myself again. My default is to shut down and go on auto pilot. Do what I need to but nothing above and beyond. It is funny to think of running from God when I wasn’t moving in any direction. Running is generally characterized my movement but when I run from God it is more in the form of ignoring Him. I sensed His presence and that He wanted to spend time with me but I had fear of what He will say to me or ask me to do. The fear comes from the obedience that has to take place if He does ask me to do something. It is so much easier to just tune Him or the world out by listening to music, taking a nap, or my personal favorite watching TV. I am a master of ignoring everything when I am in the DVR zone! I know that TV is one of my greatest pleasures and one of my biggest distractions. What a bratty child of God to hear Him want to spend time with me and yet, constantly coming up with excuses not to--Is there anyone greater to whom you should spend your time with??? I think not!
So I have a question-
If running from God doesn't burn any calories then why do we put forth all of the effort to do it? It all comes down to fear: fear that He will ask me to do something out of my comfort zone, fear that He will ask me to give up something that I have put importance on, or fear that He will ask me to change who I am to become who He wants me to be. True talk: we all are afraid! I am having to adjust my mind to be afraid of missing out on what God wants and has planned for me instead of being afraid of my world changing. The second greatest gift that God has given us (because the first is the gift of Christ and our salvation) is the people that He blesses our lives with. I have some of the most amazing and special people in my life who laugh or cry with me, push me when I am being spiritually lazy, and comfort me when I don’t understand. To have people in your life who love you for being you is an amazing gift. I am incredibly lucky for the people that God has blessed me with in my life. I can look at my future through hopeful eyes for all that He has in store for me. If I should forget I can always look to the scriptures for words of hope and promise from God, to my friends for encouragement, or even to my very own foot where I have a hope tattoo! I am such a stubborn child of God that I require tattoo reminders :)