Feeling overwhelmed with life over the past few months would seem like an understatement. However in true BCB fashion I like to pretend like I can do everything and not need anyone's help in the process. I am not quite sure when my superhero complex started but I truly think that I wear an invisible tiara and cape everyday and can face any challenge. Since going back to school it has become a learning process of how to balance work, school, social life, and not to mention my DVR! Last semester was the toughest I have had to face yet. I was taking a Psychology and Philosophy class, the Philosophy class required any where from 15-20 hours of work a week! Now did I mention that I still work full time and like to sleep...this was not working into my schedule. I just kept telling myself that it was only 8 weeks and I could survive anything for 8 weeks. I should also mention the fact that when I don't get enough sleep or downtime I can get cranky...mama needs her occasional naps!
Well I finally made it to the final week, just a few more days and I would have this semester behind me. Then one of the most tragic and devastating things happened to me..my beloved Buffy died.
I came home from work and she was the type of cat that would always meet me at the door. For some reason I just knew something was off that day but when I came home I just knew. I rushed to my bedroom and looked under my bed...there she was lying so still... I called her name and nothing. She was taking gasping breaths and I knew that she was dying. The luxury you don't have when you live alone is the opportunity to freak out or fall apart. I had to snap myself together and come up with a plan. I took her to the vet because I couldn't watch her die and didn't want her to suffer. When the vet took her back to put her to sleep she actually took her last breath...of course I had to make a joke and say thanks Buffy for not giving me a final vet bill. I made it all the way to the car before I lost it, it's like my brain went numb and I couldn't even think. Now I have three days to finish the hardest semester I have had so far and my brain doesn't work. A part of me had to push aside the mental breakdown that I wanted to have and deserved to have until I could get this work finished. I was able to finish only through the strength of God with about an hour to spare, managed an A in Psychology and a B in Philosophy.
I had no idea how hard I would take Buffy dying...we had been together for 13 years. She was my companion in life since I was 19 years old. She was a constant in my life. We had been through everything together. Everyday she would meet me at the door and sleep next to me every night. You take for granted the constant things in your life. Her meow was interesting to say the least...it was more like a bird chirping. My home is now so quiet. Some days I just think that she is sleeping in another room. An interesting aspect has been my other cat Templeton and his grieving. I truly think that he is depressed that his best friend isn't around. Together we are getting through it..I know there are traces of a crazy cat lady inside of me but I believe that pets are the furry family that we choose. They are always there for us no matter what.
So into a depression I slid, through overwhelming circumstances and the loss of Buffy I was in a state where I didn't really care. I mean I would continue to go through the motions of work and school even conversations with friends but my sparkle had dimmed. I knew it was still in there but didn't have the energy or desire to try and find it.I knew that the devil was throwing a party at my behavior. A couple of weeks ago I went to church for the first time in a month. You see when I withdraw it's from everyone..God included. Which is really silly because can we really run from God...no!
During the sermon the pastor was talking about our storms in life. He shared with us some scripture in Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[ have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we] also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." In that moment I realized that I wasn't just in funk but I had actually allowed myself to get in a state of hopelessness.
Since moving to Atlanta I can't say that things have turned out exactly the way that I thought. Didn't work for the first seven months and then the doctor who moved me up here quit and our work dynamic completely changed. I set way to high of expectations on myself as well in what I was going to do when I moved to Atlanta. A good friend of mine say that expectations are just preconceived disappointments..he is completely true! I had allowed several circumstances to steal my hope. Where are we without hope? In a very bad place. The verses in Romans reminded me that our times of suffering produces character, which produces perseverance, which produces hope. If there is one thing I can always remain hopeful in is God's promises. God uses difficult times in our lives to draw us closer to Him not withdraw. When I could settle this truth in my heart my attitude changed. Nothing in my life is any different than the day before except for the place that my mind and heart are in, the hope and joy that I have in the Lord will sustain me through whatever may lie ahead. Everyday I have to remind myself to spend time with the Lord. Either through devotionals, music, or prayer. He longs for us to have an intimate relationship with Him.I prayed asking Him to replace the loneliness, grief, depression, sadness, hopelessness in my heart with grace, truth, peace, joy and hope. So of course after owning this truth my first thought was to get a tattoo...I mean isn't that the next logical step riiight!
The reason I felt compelled to get this tattoo was to remind me everyday who I need to have hope in...not others and especially not myself but in my glorious and amazing Father and Lord! It represents the infinite hope that we can have in God and His promises for each of us. I am not under any delusional ideas that I will not be overwhelmed or struggle in life again but I am confident that I won't go through it alone and that it always plays a part in God's plan for my life.
